Emotional Flooding in Marriage: What It Is, How to Recognize It, and What to Do About It

By Dave & Hollis Wenzel | Northwest Marriage Intensives

What Is Emotional Flooding?

Dr. John Gottman, a leading researcher in marital stability, describes emotional flooding as a state of intense emotional overwhelm. It occurs when your nervous system is so activated by stress or conflict that you enter a state of "fight, flight, or freeze." Once flooded, rational thought becomes difficult, your ability to listen shuts down, and your body is preparing for survival-not connection.

This physiological response can happen in less than a second. Your heart rate spikes (typically over 100 BPM), adrenaline surges, and your brain begins to see your partner as a threat rather than an ally. Flooding can be triggered by criticism, a tone of voice, a facial expression, or even a long-standing pattern of conflict.

How to Recognize Flooding

Whether you're the one getting flooded or you're witnessing it in your partner, these are common signs:

In Yourself:

- You feel physically agitated-tight chest, clenched jaw, shallow breathing.

- You can't focus on what your partner is saying.

- You either lash out or shut down.

- You have the urge to walk away or end the conversation abruptly.

- You're rehearsing defensive responses or replaying past hurts.

In Your Partner:

- They suddenly go silent or withdraw.

- Their face goes blank or looks panicked.

- They seem stuck, can't respond, or begin escalating emotionally.

- They begin getting emotionally escalated-raising their voice, becoming visibly upset, or losing the

ability to stay grounded.

- Their voice rises or becomes clipped and reactive.

When someone is flooded, the brain's blood flow is redirected away from the prefrontal cortex-the area responsible for reasoning, empathy, and problem-solving-and toward the amygdala and brainstem, which drive the survival response. This shift makes it nearly impossible to listen well, communicate clearly, or access compassion.

Why Flooding Matters

When one or both partners are flooded, constructive communication becomes impossible. You're no longer dealing with the current issue-you're dealing with two nervous systems in high alert.

Continuing a conversation while flooded often leads to saying things you don't mean, misinterpreting your partner's intent, and doing damage that takes time to repair. Research shows that couples who don't learn to manage emotional flooding tend to fall into destructive conflict patterns-what Gottman calls "The Four Horsemen": criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

Tools for Navigating Emotional Flooding

1. Know the Signs and Call It Out

Practice saying something like: "I'm getting flooded right now-I need a break so I don't say something I'll regret."

2. Take a 20-Minute Break (Minimum)

Gottman's research shows it takes at least 20 minutes for your body to physiologically calm down.

During this break:

- Do not rehearse arguments.

- Do not ruminate on your partner's flaws.

- Instead, do something calming: walk, breathe, stretch, listen to music.

3. Practice Soothing Self-Talk

Try phrases like:

- "We've been here before. We can get through this."

- "I'm safe. I don't have to fix everything right now."

4. Re-Enter With Curiosity, Not Judgment

Once both partners are calm, come back to the issue with the goal of understanding, not winning. Use soft start-ups (e.g., "I felt hurt when..." instead of "You always...").

5. Make a Plan for Future Flooding

Talk with your partner ahead of time about what you'll do when one of you is flooded. Decide together that stepping away is not avoidance-it's protection for the relationship.

A Final Word

Emotional flooding doesn't mean you're failing at your marriage. It means you're human. The key is learning to recognize it, respect it, and use it as a signal to slow down and reset. Couples who master this skill dramatically reduce destructive fights and build more trust over time.

If flooding is a recurring issue in your relationship, it may be a sign that deeper wounds or unresolved patterns are at play. In our Marriage Intensives, we help couples develop personalized strategies to de-escalate, reconnect, and rebuild safety.